This was rattling around in my brain, so I wrote it. Reblogging from tumblr, as this is a far more permanent locale. I'm not actually feeling that melodramatic today, I just needed the peptalk.
I think a lot of people with some form of depression or anxiety do this thing where we borrow happiness. We give ourselves conditional happiness, or at least, we tell ourselves that x + y = happy. We find things, be it a favored food or song or media or item, and we tell ourselves, if I’ve done x, if I’ve endured through some goal, I can have y. That will be our reward. It might not be the same thing as being actually happy but we’ve won our treat, and that should make us happy, right?
And sometimes, it works. It might not be something that anyone else would recognize as a reward, or value, or even see the point of. But you’ve earned it, however you had to in your brain, so you get Your One Thing. Your tiny bit of happiness.
And that is good. As good as you get.
So this is my reminder to myself, to everyone else who knows how this goes, that it is okay to beg, borrow, and (hopefully not but who am I to judge) steal, to do what you have to in order to have Your One Thing that will help keep the demons at bay just that little bit longer. Your tiny bit of happy is for you, no one else, and no one else should judge what it is that you need to do to keep going. Don’t let them take it away from you.
Keep your happy. You’ve earned it.