On Introductions

[windlion]

Beware, pontificating below. I should probably not be allowed to blog after sane people go to bed.

Sometimes, I remember I have blogs, and even that I have multiple blogs! It gets a little weird because I always have to ask myself, what am I using them for? What do people actually want from me on them? (I am overly self-conscious and hyper-critical as a character trait. Telling me to not worry about that is counter productive because nope, going to anyways.)

Tumblr is my most active platform at the moment, but it is also a very shallow thing. I quietly debate every time before posting anything personal, and most often, I delete it later. Then there are people whom I follow who write very personal and private messages on a regular basis, some of whom I would like to respond to but very rarely dare because who do I think I am, this stranger, to walk in and talk to them when they're vulnerable? On the other hand, the rare few people who do talk to me, I cherish, because . . . PEOPLE! Who want to talk to me! It's a brave new world for an introvert of my caliber.

So it's very . . . awkward give and take. I am curious, sometimes, how people view me online because I tend to try and control what shows and what doesn't. To the point of being deliberately obscure about my gender because I want to let people draw their own conclusions, even when it's probably bloody obvious.

Then there's the whole "It's on-line, you should be able to be as up front as you want to about anything." conundrum. Yeaaaaaaah.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is. . . . Hello, internet. I'm Wind. I've been using the nick Windlion for more than half my life, to the point where seeing my real name on-line creeps me out. If I ever get published, it is likely to be under the pseudonym W.D. Lyons, because I am super-creative. I am a huge lurker dork, and sometimes, I wish to share my geekery with people, because I truly am passionate about My Things, but I have no idea where to start. Sometimes, I am even tempted to talk about how My Brain Does Not Work Like So-Called Normal People's  (and why didn't I work on that when it was still under warranty!), but I have even worse ideas on where to start with that.

In the event I do not respond to you, it is probably because I can't figure out how to do so in a way that I feel like I am adding anything. I read every comment, every message, and I guarantee they make a difference, because otherwise, I probably would have crawled out of fandom with my tail between my legs a long time ago.  Knowing that people are reading is important to me.  You guys are why I keep going.  Even when the depression comes back in force, even when I am paralyzed that every word I write is utter crap and why is anyone even reading me- you guys haven't left.  So I can't stop.

It might take me awhile.  I might write in fits and spurts, especially while I'm wrestling with my demons re: job hunting, but if you stay with me, we'll get there in the end.   And I am so thankful for everyone who signed up for the ride.

Comments

[soranokumo]

I kept trying to quote stuff and say THIS but I'd pretty much be doing that with the whole post. Obviously you're your own person and your dilemmas are a bit different! But I can definitely relate to a lot of this.

So ((HUGS)), because Internet hugs are nice sometimes.

(Also, if it helps free you to feel more relaxed about writing what blog posts you want, but you're not sure you want to share them, write them and post them privately--I find sometimes if I'm not feeling pressured knowing other people can read it, I have an easier time getting stuff out. You can always change it later if you feel more comfortable about it. Or use access filters. I filter lots of things, and it helps me feel better about posting stuff, because I can control which of my friends see things. Obviously that doesn't work with Tumblr, but I value it so much on DW.)

[windlion]

Thank you! <3 It's just nice to know you're not the only person in the same boat sometimes.

Thank you- y'know, I actually posted this privately, went "EH, it will never serve its purpose unless it's all public" and went for it. Because I am a huge wuss and had to deliberate over it. I wish that more people I would like to talk to were over here on dreamwidth or gmail for that reason, but eh, what can you do? People will use the medium that they like best. On tumblr, there's no varying degrees of intimacy, it's just . . . all or nothing. You either let it go free into the world or obliterate it forever. I do like that the comments stay visible in your dash after you delete a post, so you can backtrack to things anyways if you want to.